I know I might be going through the exact same phase that most people feel in general… Depression…

Though I’m moving smoothly into life, but I’m never happy.

I think a lot that may be I’m not the type who feels content and always greedy for more. But then I tell myself, but I’m not that bad… There were times in the past when I didn’t have anything… didn’t have work, car, or lover, and things were a lot worse… but I was happy and satisfied…

Now, nothing makes me happy… I keep thinking may be when I move to a better job I will feel better…Then I move to a great one, and it is just the same. I say may be when I start a study I will be busy and I won’t think of the missing things… But I start a great study and I’m not happy as well.

Sometimes I think may be the answer is love… Amazingly enough, when you are in love, all the problems in the world cease to exist and becomes a minor interest… Even you, become a minor interest to yourself… The world becomes very small and very insignificant… and all what really matters is him and you...

But the saddest thing is… I’m not even capable of love anymore, cannot get out any emotions anymore… I became tough and insensitive… And no one grabs my attention any more… I don’t feel pity for the beggar in the street, or the guy that loves me since long, or the friend who has a problem… I’m too busy thinking about my future.

I was convinced once, that the world around me is collapsing… the only way to save myself is take care of me, and struggle through life and succeed…

Someone told me once that the blesses of memories are unbelievable… it gets you back in time, and you remember one minute of your life, and it satisfies you for hours or even days. The power to forget and go on in life, and ignore time are blesses as well. But, what I miss the most are the feelings I was once capable of giving.

I don’t write regularly like I used to, I don’t take photos anymore, I don’t care about people, or my family, I became insensitive, I want to live alone, preferably away from Egypt.

I wonder if the time will come when all these wishes and resolutions turn out to be only illusions… I don’t know… I m hoping for the better…

Rou…

Ever thought of how would you feel in those few seconds before your soul apart your body…?

What would you think of…?

Which faces would cross your mind…?

What would you murmur to yourself with…?

I never thought of it before I had to experience it…

Seems every time I try to recall what happened, I fail to understand what I felt and how I reacted…

The only thing I know by heart is that I got the same feeling I had the day my father passed away… How easy it is to die… And how easy it is for a soul to leave your body cold, empty, and dead…

I was a few millimeters… seconds… away from death…

It’s been a few days now… my body still has some bruises… my car is almost dead out there… but I don’t give a damn on either…

All what I know is that I don’t feel well at all… not physically… but rather psychologically…

I can’t but keep thinking… was I ready to leave…?

I’m not sure I was…!

I got dozens of calls that day… they were all saying the same words of how grateful I should be for getting out of it alive… but I didn’t seem to be hearing any…my mind was elsewhere… to that place I would have gone to… what would have been next…?

The thought was terrifying… but I couldn’t resist imagining…

Alone in a grave… being asked about… my life… (I skipped writing this part on purpose because my thoughts were too scary to post)

The sarcastic thing about what happened is that the day before I had that accident I heard a strange sound while driving, so I stopped my car, got off, and checked where the sound came from. I found a small part of the fenders scratching the street asphalt and causing the sound I heard. I got really bothered for having to go to the mechanic to fix it.

While driving on my way again, I had that unclear vague thought that I’ll only stop complaining about this silly défaut in the car when I have a huge car accident…!!!!!

Huge enough to make me appreciate whatever state I am in now…!

I have no idea what was that supposed to be…

Was it a Déjà vu scene…?

I have no clue…!

That night, I looked up to the sky and murmured:

“Please GOD… I’m begging you… I know that I’m being toughly tested… but, it seems to me that these tests have lasted forever… I believe in you and trust that something better is going to happen soon… But, I just can’t take all this… I’m just a fragile human… and I need you… Please help me… I confess… I am weak… Please have mercy on me……………………………………………………………………”