04.27.07
لا أعرف الشخص الغريب – محمود درويش
لا أعرف الشخصَ الغريبَ ولا مآثرهُ…
رأيتُ جِنازةً فمشيت خلف النعش،
مثل الآخرين مطأطئ الرأس احتراماً.
لم أجد سبباً لأسأل: مَنْ هُو الشخصُ الغريبُ؟
وأين عاش، وكيف مات
فإن أسباب الوفاة كثيرةٌ من بينها وجع الحياة
سألتُ نفسي: هل يرانا أم يرى عَدَماً ويأسفُ للنهاية؟
كنت أعلم أنه لن يفتح النَّعشَ المُغَطَّى بالبنفسج
كي يُودِّعَنا ويشكرنا ويهمسَ بالحقيقة
ما الحقيقة؟
رُبَّما هُوَ مثلنا في هذه الساعات يطوي ظلَّهُ.
لكنَّهُ هُوَ وحده
الشخصُ الذي لم يَبْكِ في هذا الصباح،
ولم يَرَ الموت المحلِّقَ فوقنا كالصقر…
فاًحياء هم أَبناءُ عَمِّ الموت،
والموتى نيام هادئون وهادئون وهادئون
ولم أَجد سبباً لأسأل: من هو الشخص الغريب وما اسمه؟
04.23.07
Still got the blues… Absolute hallucinations…
I’m falling into a deep depression… and the saddest thing is that I can’t help myself about it anymore… Although I’m truly in love with a wonderful man who’s very caring, supportive and understanding, but everything else in my life seems to be going wrong.
I was convinced once that when you are in love, all the problems in the world cease to exist and become of minor interest; that even you become a minor interest to yourself. I have always believed that when you are in love the whole world becomes very small and very insignificant, and all what really matters is him and you. But, it seems that this time I’m truly passing through a very critical stage of my life, because I don’t remember I’ve felt that blue ever since my father passed away almost a year and a half ago. Although things hardly ever went right since he died, yet I never lost faith that life would bring some happy events soon… But now, it seems to me that this “soon” is never coming…
A few days ago I was talking with my mother about something, and I realized that I mentioned 3 names that less than 2 years ago used to present an important part of my life prefixed with the phrase “Allah yer7amo” or “Allah yer7amha”… and I felt even bluer… What scares me to death now is the fact that I’m starting to become really pessimistic… I’m expecting that I will hear sad news concerning losing her very soon and this feeling is starting to take full control over me…
Do you know this feeling of seeing it coming…? Not an exact déjà vu scene, but something similar to it… I’ve been through it before… many times actually… but I never believed in my feeling… and whenever what I felt actually happen, I used to convince myself that it is mere coincidence… But, this time I’m really afraid my feelings will become true… afraid to the extent of falling into depression and frustration… and I really don’t know what to do about it… I feel now that I’m standing on the edge of nowhere waiting for nothing and hoping for nothing… Victim of my own feelings and thoughts…
I am really sorry for the desperate mood… I actually have no clue why I wrote it… May be it’s just because I was about to burst into tears and I didn’t want to cry at work… May be I just wanted to get these hallucinations out of my mind… May be it is anything… I really don’t know…
Though pessimistic, I’m still hoping for the better…
Rou…
Note:
I keep on recalling a part of an email that Camel wrote almost a year and a half ago that said: “Soon enough, you too will be gone… In a year, maybe more; maybe less… A year is but a mere moment… Life is too short!”
04.16.07
If…
Rudyard Kipling said it all in his poem “If”. Great read if you care to learn how to keep your head.
IF – Rudyard Kipling
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired of waiting,
Or, being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise;
If you can dream – and not make dreams your master;
If you can think – and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build ‘em up with worn-out tools;
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your beginnings;
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: “Hold on”;
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings – nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And – which is more – you’ll be a Man my son!
Kipling ended by saying “you’ll be a Man my son!” this goes without saying “you’ll be a Woman too!” as these words apply to all.
