12.30.08
حياة آيلة للسقوط
لست على ما يرام… منذ فترة ليست بالقليلة…
تعبت من البحث عن الأسباب التي قد تكون أدت إلى تلك الحالة… و لكي أقنع نفسي بضرورة تجاهل الأمر حتى إشعار آخر، أصبح ردي الدائم عن أي إستفسار عن ما بي هو: “أنا في خير حال…”
أكره نفسي حين أفعل ذلك… فأنا لست بهذا الزيف…
ولكني أحياناً لا أجد مفر من إدعاء السعادة، بدلاً من الشكوى اللانهائية من حالة الحزن التي أعيشها و لا أعرف سببها و لا وقت إنتهاءها…
حزينة أنا… و لكني مؤخراً بدأت أراه نوع مختلف من الحزن…
هو حزن بلا مبرر واضح نعم…
و لكنه حزن دفين… عميق… يغير مفهومي للأمور… و نظرتي للحياة…
يؤثر… و لا يتأثر…
في كتابها “رومنتيكيات” تقول صافي ناز كاظم: “الحزن آدميتي وحاسة إدراكي للأشياء حولي. حزني خاص. خاص جداً ولكنه ليس ركيكاً، أو حقيراً أو سخيفاً.”
لكم أشعر أن تلك الكلمات تصف حالي… فقد أصبح حزني جزء لا يتجزأ من هويتي…
ربما تكون من أسبابه أنني شخصية تكاد أن تعيش بلا منطق…
فعقلي يعجز عن إستيعاب معظم الأمور التي يجدها الآخرون طبيعية و منطقية… عقلي لا يفهم المسلمات و لا يقبل بها… أشعر بغربة دائمة، تزداد بعنف كلما إزداد عدد الناس من حولي… و لا أملك لحظة إختلائي بنفسي إلا الغوص أعمق في تأملاتي و أفكاري… أعرف أنني ربما أكون قد تحولت إلى شخصية تعيش في خيالاتها و أحلامها أكثر من واقعها… ربما لأنني أجد ذلك هو السبيل الوحيد للهروب من واقع أكرهه و لا أملك تغييره… و ربما لأنني أعجز عن رؤية أمل في الغد… و أعجز أكثر عن وضع ثقتي في أي شخص أو أي شئ…
فكل ما حولي متآكل و على وشك الإنهيار…
و كأني أعيش في حياة آيلة للسقوط…
و كأني أنا نفسي… آيلة للسقوط…
رحاب رجائي
في 29 ديسمبر 2008
12.28.08
Yawmeyat Rou and Mayo: Episode I
Meto, one of my dearest friends, sent me and Mayo (a.k.a. Mermaid) the following email “tarya2a” 3ala Mayyada’s comment on my previous post…
I just loved the way he imitated our ways, so I thought of sharing it with you over here… J
Meto, yalla am waiting for episode II from “yawmeyat Rou & Mayo!”
Lovely day,
Rou…
awwalan essmo Tricot 
We yaret matensooneesh fe sherz bas yekoon medandesh keda wshefteshy
Now picture this:
Both of you sitting on chairs, with eye glasses ka3b el kobbaya nazla 3ala tantoofet mana7′erko (what is the plural of mana7′eer by the way???), a blanket on your lap we koll wa7da working on her knitting and 3ammal tomdo3′ fe lbana as big as your hand and the following conversation takes place:
M: alla 2oleely ya rou
R: yes ya mayo
M: bemonasbet PTP wel events we keda, 3amla eh felmoderation
R: Ahe mashya,
M: bass ba2a fee nas ghareeba keda ya rou ya o7′tchy 3algroup webteb3at 7agat 3ageeba
R: to2sody el bett elly betdafe3 3an Bush
M: yes
R: 2ot3et dy shakalha keda habla, dy farasetny
M: heya farasetna kollena essara7a
R: da 7atta el wad meto lessa mekallemny deek ennahar we ma7′alash feeha ella lamma 2al
M: hat2oleely mana 3arfah lesano taweel we mabyeskotsh
R: mahy bardo testahel, mesh fahmaha
M: ahy bet3abbar 3an weghet nazarha, koll wa7ed 7orr fe weghet nazaro
R: Enty hatefreseeny enty kaman, nazarha eh, gaha waga3 fe nazarha
M: 3eb ya rou keda, please refine your language shwayya
R: A refine eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh? malha my language ya 3ooooooooooooooooooooooooooomar?
M: Eh da, rou I can’t believe you (tab3an can’t here is pronounced belkaf for Kotta mesh kaf for kalb)
R: ya7′ty bala 7′awta, can’t eh we zeft eh ana na2saky enty ro7′ra
M: Rou men fadlek etkallemy ma3aya betaree2a a7san men keda shwayya
R: ana 2ayma we saybahalek, ana mesh na2asa, wady el sherz aho, mesh mekammelah 3ashan terta7y
we bass dy kanet nehayet el tricot session
Hope I made you smile
12.26.08
هلاوس
مش عارفة ليه بقالي كام يوم مافيش على بالي إلا جملة من رواية عزازيل بتقول: “الحياة ظالمة. فهي تمتد بنا وتلهينا، ثم تذهلنا عنا وتغيرنا، حتى نصير كأننا غيرنا“…
وQuote من فيلم Fight Club بتقول:
“If you wake up at a different time, in a different place, could you wake up as a different person?“
قد إيه الإنسان بيغيره الوقت و الأحداث… إزاي أكون أنا نفس الإنسانة اللي كانت من عشر سنين واحدة، و من سنتين واحدة، و من شهرين واحدة تانية خالص…
إزاي و إمتى وصلت للشخص ده… و يا ترى الزمن حيوصلني لإيه تاني…
أنا تعبانة جداً… حاسة بنفسي بنهار بجد… Consumed بكل ما يمكن أن تحمله الكلمة دي من معاني… مستنزفة… و مستهلكة تماماً… جسدياً و فكرياً…
حاسة إني عايزة أختفي… أو أغمض عينايا و أفتحها ألاقي نفسي في مكان تاني… غريب عني و أنا غريبة عنه… ماحدش يعرفني و أنا ماعرفش حد… وأبتدي من أول وجديد بقى…
يمكن ساعتها أكون واحدة تانية…
واحدة غيري…
لسة عندها إقبال على الحياة…
12.25.08
لحظة تمرد
إعتاد الإنتظار…
لم تكن لتستطيع أن تميزه عن آخرين كثيرين ينتظرون أيضاً…
هو ينتظر… وهم ينتظرون…
و يسير مع السائرون…
يصحو و ينام…
و يمضي بيومه في سلام وإستسلام…
يأكل ويشرب…
يضحك…
و يدعي الرضى…
لماذا كان ذلك اليوم غير كل الأيام…؟
لا يدري…
كيف وجد بداخله هذا الكم من السخط على أحواله و من حياته…؟
لا يعرف…
متى أصبح يستطيع التفرقة بين المعقول و اللامعقول… و المقبول و غير المقبول…؟
لا يملك إجابة…
فقط هو يعرف أنه إستيقظ ذات يوم و لا يسيطر على عقله إلا فكرة واحدة…
التمرد…
رحاب رجائي
في 24 ديسمبر 2008
12.21.08
And yet another day without the internet…
Almost a year ago Egypt lived a day without the internet for the first time in years…
Last Friday was the second time… except that 3 undersea cables were cut this time not only one, causing a countrywide massive Internet outage in Egypt and other Arab countries from Libya to Saudi Arabia…
When the internet outage occurred back in January, I remember I had this feeling of being digitally in darkness, feeling like I am being isolated from the world, although I wasn’t… and that day because the thoughts kept invading me on how much I have become accustomed to the internet usage in my life, I made a pledge to reduce my internet usage, and to start by reducing only one day, which supposedly was every Friday…
However, when this month’s outage occurred I realized that I completely failed to fulfill my promise to myself… I mean… I actually tried to do it for some time, and at times I extended it to be for a few days through never accessing the internet while on a real vacation trip (outside or inside Egypt)… and I kinda followed it at times, at first… but then… eventually I didn’t…
Why am I saying this now…? Because, last Friday, the effect was even worse on me, because I had work to do that day and I had some deliverables due, in addition to the poetry event preparations… which lead me to, literally, panic by midday, realizing that I really can’t survive the day without internet access… I didn’t panic because of the idea of having delays in my deliverables at work or anything… but rather I panicked from the idea of being so dependent on something… I hate to be addicted to something… anything… so what if this thing is having power over almost everything you do in your day… your work, your writings, your researches… it’s an awful feeling begad… makes you feel paralyzed, while you actually are not!
So, anyways, since I truly hate to give up things without doing my best in reaching them, so here I am once again, making a new resolution… I won’t be so dependent on the internet in my everyday life… I will have all my writings that are saved on my blog printed out and filed according to their writing dates, like I used to do with my diaries when I was a little girl… I will also not be depending awy on the internet in my researches for info… either ways the internet does not always provide you with correct info, sometimes it is very misleading and one must be very cautious where to search for the true info… and finally, I will, once again, forsake using the internet on Fridays (unless for necessity)…
Bass keda!
Rou…
12.19.08
Of what so called “Corporate Life”!
It’s been an awful week at work… a hell of a work load… with zero self satisfaction… and almost no appreciation…
How many times have I thought of letting go of this crap called corporate life…?
How many times have I thought of tendering my eternal resignation from this whole thing…?
It’s not about the place… I do love it actually, and I have lots of fun with my colleagues-turning-into-friends-now there… But… the thing is that am really fed of it… I’m just fed from this shit called corporate life…
This is not how I want to spend the rest of my life doing…
Whenever I am in an interview and being asked this damn question of “How do you see yourself in 5 years… or 10 years… or bla bla bla…?”… I keep thinking after I am done with the interview… Is this the right answer…? Do I really see myself a Project Manager or any of this none sense…? The truth is… NO… this is not what I want to be… this is not the life I want to live…
I would do anything… anything… to have my little lifetime dream coming true… Ah… that dream……………
I know that its time hasn’t come yet…and until it does… I really wonder for how long am I going to stand this life…
Am tired… am just tired and sick of everything…
Anyways,
Frustrated and Exhausted Rou…
12.13.08
هل أحببت من قبل…؟
أسبق لك أن أحببت…؟
هل مرت عليك تلك اللحظات النادرة التي تتجمل فيها الحياة حتى يذهلك بهاء الكون…؟
هل تساءلت قبلاً في صمت عن كيفية رؤيتك للسماء بهذه الزرقة والسحاب بهذه الرقة…؟
هل تعجبت من كيفية تحول الهواء الذي تستنشقه إلى تنهدات من الفل وعطور من الياسمين…؟
و كيف بين عشية وضحاها أصبحت عيناك تبحث عن كل جميل لتراه…؟
هل عشت تلك الأيام التي يتحول فيها أبسط لقاء إلى حفل ساهر وتتحول الأماكن التي تجمعكما سوياً إلى ساحات حب…؟
هل سهرت الليل بطوله ثم إستيقظت موفور النشاط في إنتظار اللقاء…؟
هل ذبت يوماً في ذلك العالم الخاص الذي يحتويكما معاً… ولا يسع سواكما…؟
ذلك العالم الخاص الذي فيه يصبح حتى الصمت له لحنه الخاص…؟
هل أحببت من قبل…؟
رحاب رجائي
في 13 ديسمبر 2008
12.11.08
Of an Old Dream: Not just Roses and Champagnes!
A while ago, I was listening to John Lennon’s song “Imagine”, and a particular part of it kept popping into my mind ever since; “Imagine all the people sharing all the world… You may say that I’m a dreamer, But I’m not the only one… I hope someday you’ll join us and the world will live as one… ”… May be the reason I so much related to tat part of the song is the fact that I used to have this dream of one world, one love… and I confess that in my early teenage years, I naively thought it is possible to achieve… that dream of changing the world starting with yourself… remember it? Yes! I used to be one of those dreamers… and I was never ashamed to say it…
Yesterday I was having a long talk with a dear friend of mine… about life happenings and the way it affects one’s character throughout the years… and suddenly out of nowhere I came to the fact that along the road of my life, I gave up some dreams, one of which was that particular dream… I guess I kinda lost it somewhere in-between my disappointments & frustrations, and my struggles to find the real me… Realizing this, I felt really ashamed of myself… See, even though I kept my belief that I can change myself to be a better person, but it was my belief of changing anything or anyone around me that faded away…
Anyways… Those of you who happened to know me, know that I am usually in my best moods in winter times… sa7ee7 winter haven’t really started awy yet, but the autumn weather of the past couple of days along with the lovely Eid spirit made me kinda reconsider some of my life happenings… and what made such consideration have a greater effect is the fact that I truly love this holidays’ spirit that seems to surround us lately during December and January… I just LOVE these couple of years with all these happy holidays following each other; Eid Adha, Christmas, Hijri New Year, New Year, Eastern Christmas… I remember last year I was so fascinated with this spirit and I even wrote a post on the importance of giving gifts in such days… but with the true meaning and sense of a gift… something given with love, care, and passion… not just… ta2deyet wageb… So, if you can get how such happy days make me feel, how high my spirit is with the cold breeze, the nostalgic feeling that John Lennon’s song put me in, along with my usual stand with myself at the end of each passing year… you’ll probably understand how much I feel am yearning to get back to that old dream now… and how much I am trying to re-live it, and work for making it come true…
I know what you’re thinking of… “Life is not about roses and champagnes… face your reality and dream of things that can be achieved… Dreaming of something differs from making it happen!” … I do agree walahy… and I promise you am not naively thinking of it this time… I know very well that lots was lost throughout the years, it’s just that I am standing for the hope that remains…
I mean… Why do we always tend to think that great events demand great causes, while the truth is they don’t!
They often require just one voice – good or bad… That, as much as their genius, is the legacy of, you name any… Gandhi, Martin Luther King, and many others…
My point is that we should all try to be that “one voice” … for good. We may think it will not matter. But the thing is we can’t see ourselves through the long lens of history… Your “one voice” might actually be the difference!
Martin Luther King once said: “Hatred paralyzes life; love releases it. Hatred confuses life; love harmonizes it. Hatred darkens life; love illuminates it.”
Happy Days,
Love,
Rou…
I’ll leave you with John Lennon’s song lyrics.
Imagine there’s no Heaven
It’s easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today
Imagine there’s no countries
It isn’t hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace
Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world
You may say that I’m a dreamer
But I’m not the only one
I hope someday you’ll join us
And the world will live as one
