I am a sociophobic person!

I know that those of you who happened to have known me throughout the past 5 years would never believe this about me… But I swear to God that this is the truth… This is how I used to be… and this is what surprisingly I have turned to be…

The thing is that I usually discover my flaws, and work on them… and this is actually what I did with this “imperfection”… I simply worked on it… and it developed a lot through the years… becoming lighter in college times, and much lighter with joining PTP… until it became very minor to the extent that I thought I am actually over it…

I said I “thought” am over it… because it was so until a few months ago, when I was in Malaysia, an incident happened keda that made me wonder if deep inside of me I still have it… I was very surprised of it back then, because in two successive days I went out with 2 groups of people I didn’t  know, things went perfectly fine with the first group, and was a disaster with the second… why? I don’t know…

Anyways, I almost forgot about this incident that happened back in October, and didn’t pay it much thought… until yesterday…

So what happened yesterday?

I had this close friend from school, which I have known for something like… I don’t know… 20 years or something…

The thing is that her birthday is tomorrow, she called me a few days ago telling me that she’s gonna make a small gathering at her home (yesterday) with her close friends, some from school, and some from her college (I know some), and others from a group keda that she’s very active in (without mentioning the group’s name)…

Yesterday morning, I received a call from a common friend (who’s actually the founder of this group she’s in) telling me that this is gonna be a surprise party for her birthday, and not just a gathering… and that she doesn’t know that they are preparing this we keda, and he was making sure that I will be at her place in time…

I told him I will, while in my heart this old feeling of “uncomfortableness” increased…

Anyways… I went there on time…………….

It was a disaster… I felt like a perfect alien… a complete stranger… and I was literally panicking… my heartbeats could be heard from millions of miles away, my hands were freezing, every single muscle in my body was tensed, and I was not concentrating in anything…… a perfect social phobia case if I may call it so…

I had to do anything not to make this show on me… I talked with her sister a little, her father a little, some of our few common friends a little… until she arrived (and got really overwhelmed and surprised)… I then talked with her for a while… then eventually told her that I had to leave… Knowing me, she perfectly understood, and was more than appreciating the fact that I came in the first place… (She knows that I hate their group gatherings…)

I went out of her place, breathed deeply for the first time since I arrived at that gathering, then walked back to my place (she’s less than five minutes’ walk from where I live), took my car, and had a very long aimless ride with both car windows opened while the cold air hit my face…

Why am I writing this now…?

Because I couldn’t sleep last night thinking of what the hell happens sometimes that makes me panic in such a way… and why it does happen in some situations and doesn’t happen in others…

I mean… for GOD’s sake… my work style, and my position in PTP puts me in much worse situations than these… and makes me get involved with people I haven’t even heard their names before…

I kept thinking of all possible reasons… remembering the Malaysia incident, yesterday’s incident, and other relatively old incidents… and I actually came to a very strange conclusion… I noticed that the one thing in common between all these situations, is not being in a social gathering with people I don’t know… it’s actually being with people I don’t know who are COMPLETELY different from my mentality… in other words, it only happen with people that I feel I am an alien when am around them… with nothing in common to talk about… and, which is much worse, to be looked at as if begad you’re not normal… (Do you get what I mean?)

I don’t know how far this analysis is true… and I even have no idea of how to work on it in such cases…

The only thing I know is that I will make sure to avoid such gatherings as much as I can… because I am not willing to have a night like yesterday’s every now and then…

I don’t know…

Anyways,

Rou… The Alien!

So, as 2008 passes by and 2009 takes the lead, the usual year-end thoughts comes into my mind…

Another hectic year, I would say, had finally ended…

I cannot say that it was the worst year ever in my life… yet I cannot also pretend that it was the best…

I would rather say that… mmmmm… it was just another typical year passing by… 

I had my losses…

Be it people who used to present important parts of my life…

Be it a love story that I thought it would be a lifetime one…

Or be it simply a part of my character that I lost with every disappointment…

However, I have also had some good winnings…

I have gained some really good colleagues and friends…

Some that I truly consider a part of my blessings in 2008…

I don’t wanna start counting the names, but Ruby, Dalia, Dido, Nerro, Meto, Mahfouz, Nova are definitely names that added a lot to me in 2008!

I’m sure I lost count of some names… but anyways, I just want to thank all those who had been a part of my life throughout the past year… You truly made a difference in it… and am glad I have you… (Needless to say that there are some important people that had been acting like the cornerstone of my life for many years prior to 2008, we bardo I don’t wanna mention names, but Monn, Mayo, Camel, Loza, Ice, Gammal are some of those I cannot really imagine my life without!)

As for those I lost along the road of life… I just want to tell you that once upon a dream, I had a beautiful time with you… we bardo thank you for being a part of my life for some time… you have certainly affected me in some way or another…

Yes, I have had my shares of bad and good events almost equally…

Lots of sorrows… and lots of fun…

Lots of boredom… and lots of busyness…

Lots of self isolation… and lots of socializations…

So, thank you 2008 with all the good and bad happenings you encountered me with…

As for you my dear 2009… I won’t start my days with you with a lie… I’m not so hopeful… but am just… praying you wouldn’t be so bad…

So… in other words… Welcome! J

Rou…