January 22, 2006

State of shock…

Posted in English, Reflections at 11:57 am by Rou...

I hesitated a lot before writing this mail… 

I didn’t wanna share this with anybody…

 

May be because I didn’t wanna believe that this is really happening to me…

That it is true…

That I really lost him…  

 

I was shocked to an extent of not feeling the pain…

 

I didn’t cry on the day he died…  I didn’t panic either… I was simply… shocked…!

I couldn’t believe it… for Heaven’s sake… he was so alive… we left home together… I was on my way to get some new clothes for the feast… and he was on his way to get some stuff for Mama… he was SO alive…

 

I just couldn’t believe that it could end in a matter of few minutes…

 

When anyone I knew lost any of his parents… I used to feel really sorry for him…

But… it is totally different when you’re the one who’s losing now…

 

It felt really strange when I woke up that day and didn’t find him sitting on the couch in the living room waiting for the Fajr prayer…

 

It feels strange to me when I pray for him now…

 

When I talk about him… I still say… “Papa”… can’t say “Papa, Allah yer7amo”…

 

But still… I believe in “Qada2 Rabena”…

 

I might not be that religious but I know I am a believer…

I believe in Allah very much… and I trust HIM… I know that HE chose to take him now because he was in his best times in his relation with GOD…

 

Yesterday I heard a friend of mine talking with another friend of mine about me… she was saying… “I pity Rehab… for she’ll always correlate 3eed el ad7a with her father’s death… and every time the feast arrives she’ll remember her father”

 

I didn’t comment… but deep inside I smiled… for nobody will understand this… that it has nothing to do with the feast… for I’ll never forget him… he was… everything…

 

It’s been 2 weeks now… and I guess I’m finally getting to believe that he won’t be there anymore…

 

I really don’t know why I am sharing this with you now… may be it’s just that… I felt I’m missing him like hell now… so I decided to write anything…

 

One last thing, I read this quote long time ago… but for GOD’s sake, how true it is for me now…

“My father didn’t tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it.”

               Clarence Buddinton Kelland

 

N.B.

I’m REALLY sorry for the very bad mood…

 

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