June 9, 2006

Depression…

Posted in English, Reflections at 9:44 am by Rou...

I know I might be going through the exact same phase that most people feel in general… Depression…

Though I’m moving smoothly into life, but I’m never happy.

I think a lot that may be I’m not the type who feels content and always greedy for more. But then I tell myself, but I’m not that bad… There were times in the past when I didn’t have anything… didn’t have work, car, or lover, and things were a lot worse… but I was happy and satisfied…

Now, nothing makes me happy… I keep thinking may be when I move to a better job I will feel better…Then I move to a great one, and it is just the same. I say may be when I start a study I will be busy and I won’t think of the missing things… But I start a great study and I’m not happy as well.

Sometimes I think may be the answer is love… Amazingly enough, when you are in love, all the problems in the world cease to exist and becomes a minor interest… Even you, become a minor interest to yourself… The world becomes very small and very insignificant… and all what really matters is him and you...

But the saddest thing is… I’m not even capable of love anymore, cannot get out any emotions anymore… I became tough and insensitive… And no one grabs my attention any more… I don’t feel pity for the beggar in the street, or the guy that loves me since long, or the friend who has a problem… I’m too busy thinking about my future.

I was convinced once, that the world around me is collapsing… the only way to save myself is take care of me, and struggle through life and succeed…

Someone told me once that the blesses of memories are unbelievable… it gets you back in time, and you remember one minute of your life, and it satisfies you for hours or even days. The power to forget and go on in life, and ignore time are blesses as well. But, what I miss the most are the feelings I was once capable of giving.

I don’t write regularly like I used to, I don’t take photos anymore, I don’t care about people, or my family, I became insensitive, I want to live alone, preferably away from Egypt.

I wonder if the time will come when all these wishes and resolutions turn out to be only illusions… I don’t know… I m hoping for the better…

Rou…

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