April 23, 2007

Still got the blues… Absolute hallucinations…

Posted in English, Reflections at 4:34 pm by Rou...

I’m falling into a deep depression… and the saddest thing is that I can’t help myself about it anymore… Although I’m truly in love with a wonderful man who’s very caring, supportive and understanding, but everything else in my life seems to be going wrong.  

 

I was convinced once that when you are in love, all the problems in the world cease to exist and become of minor interest; that even you become a minor interest to yourself. I have always believed that when you are in love the whole world becomes very small and very insignificant, and all what really matters is him and you. But, it seems that this time I’m truly passing through a very critical stage of my life, because I don’t remember I’ve felt that blue ever since my father passed away almost a year and a half ago. Although things hardly ever went right since he died, yet I never lost faith that life would bring some happy events soon… But now, it seems to me that this “soon” is never coming…

 

A few days ago I was talking with my mother about something, and I realized that I mentioned 3 names that less than 2 years ago used to present an important part of my life prefixed with the phrase “Allah yer7amo” or “Allah yer7amha”… and I felt even bluer… What scares me to death now is the fact that I’m starting to become really pessimistic… I’m expecting that I will hear sad news concerning losing her very soon and this feeling is starting to take full control over me…

 

Do you know this feeling of seeing it coming…? Not an exact déjà vu scene, but something similar to it… I’ve been through it before… many times actually… but I never believed in my feeling… and whenever what I felt actually happen,  I used to convince myself that it is mere coincidence… But, this time I’m really afraid my feelings will become true… afraid to the extent of falling into depression and frustration… and I really don’t know what to do about it… I feel now that I’m standing on the edge of nowhere waiting for nothing and hoping for nothing… Victim of my own feelings and thoughts…

 

I am really sorry for the desperate mood… I actually have no clue why I wrote it… May be it’s just because I was about to burst into tears and I didn’t want to cry at work… May be I just wanted to get these hallucinations out of my mind… May be it is anything… I really don’t know…

 

Though pessimistic, I’m still hoping for the better…

 

Rou…

 

 

 

Note:

I keep on recalling a part of an email that Camel wrote almost a year and a half ago that said: “Soon enough, you too will be gone… In a year, maybe more; maybe less… A year is but a mere moment… Life is too short!”

 

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