January 25, 2009

Sociophobia!

Posted in English, Reflections at 10:19 am by Rou...

I am a sociophobic person!

 

I know that those of you who happened to have known me throughout the past 5 years would never believe this about me… But I swear to God that this is the truth… This is how I used to be… and this is what surprisingly I have turned to be…

 

The thing is that I usually discover my flaws, and work on them… and this is actually what I did with this “imperfection”… I simply worked on it… and it developed a lot through the years… becoming lighter in college times, and much lighter with joining PTP… until it became very minor to the extent that I thought I am actually over it…

 

I said I “thought” am over it… because it was so until a few months ago, when I was in Malaysia, an incident happened keda that made me wonder if deep inside of me I still have it… I was very surprised of it back then, because in two successive days I went out with 2 groups of people I didn’t  know, things went perfectly fine with the first group, and was a disaster with the second… why? I don’t know…

 

Anyways, I almost forgot about this incident that happened back in October, and didn’t pay it much thought… until yesterday…

 

So what happened yesterday?

I had this close friend from school, which I have known for something like… I don’t know… 20 years or something…

 

The thing is that her birthday is tomorrow, she called me a few days ago telling me that she’s gonna make a small gathering at her home (yesterday) with her close friends, some from school, and some from her college (I know some), and others from a group keda that she’s very active in (without mentioning the group’s name)…

 

Yesterday morning, I received a call from a common friend (who’s actually the founder of this group she’s in) telling me that this is gonna be a surprise party for her birthday, and not just a gathering… and that she doesn’t know that they are preparing this we keda, and he was making sure that I will be at her place in time…

 

I told him I will, while in my heart this old feeling of “uncomfortableness” increased…

 

Anyways… I went there on time…………….

 

It was a disaster… I felt like a perfect alien… a complete stranger… and I was literally panicking… my heartbeats could be heard from millions of miles away, my hands were freezing, every single muscle in my body was tensed, and I was not concentrating in anything…… a perfect social phobia case if I may call it so…

 

I had to do anything not to make this show on me… I talked with her sister a little, her father a little, some of our few common friends a little… until she arrived (and got really overwhelmed and surprised)… I then talked with her for a while… then eventually told her that I had to leave… Knowing me, she perfectly understood, and was more than appreciating the fact that I came in the first place… (She knows that I hate their group gatherings…)

 

I went out of her place, breathed deeply for the first time since I arrived at that gathering, then walked back to my place (she’s less than five minutes’ walk from where I live), took my car, and had a very long aimless ride with both car windows opened while the cold air hit my face…

 

Why am I writing this now…?

Because I couldn’t sleep last night thinking of what the hell happens sometimes that makes me panic in such a way… and why it does happen in some situations and doesn’t happen in others…

 

I mean… for GOD’s sake… my work style, and my position in PTP puts me in much worse situations than these… and makes me get involved with people I haven’t even heard their names before…

 

I kept thinking of all possible reasons… remembering the Malaysia incident, yesterday’s incident, and other relatively old incidents… and I actually came to a very strange conclusion… I noticed that the one thing in common between all these situations, is not being in a social gathering with people I don’t know… it’s actually being with people I don’t know who are COMPLETELY different from my mentality… in other words, it only happen with people that I feel I am an alien when am around them… with nothing in common to talk about… and, which is much worse, to be looked at as if begad you’re not normal… (Do you get what I mean?)

 

I don’t know how far this analysis is true… and I even have no idea of how to work on it in such cases…

 

The only thing I know is that I will make sure to avoid such gatherings as much as I can… because I am not willing to have a night like yesterday’s every now and then…

 

I don’t know…

 

Anyways,

Rou… The Alien!

Advertisements

9 Comments »

  1. Mermaid said,

    I am among those who would be VERY surprised that you’re having this issue! Rou?!!!! La2, I can’t believe it!

    Bass wallahy I relate shewaya. I sometimes suck with people I don’t know.. and other times ppl say I am very sociable… but I cannot actually put my hands on the reason why I suck sometimes and succeed other times!

    Enty mesh alien… enty folla … my very folla dear friend 😀

  2. Rehab said,

    I qant believe it like Mayo bardo :P.
    Bas the thing is who the hell cares about their opinion?? I mean the ones with different mentality.
    They are the real aliens ya Rou, bas homma keteer shwaya 😦

    Enti 60 folla begad… Love you :*

  3. Rou... said,

    ya mayo… I know that many of you who happened to know me through PTP, particularly the last 3 years wouldnt believe this… bass it is the truth fe3lan… may be someday am gonna tell you a story about this keda… 🙂

    Anyways… walahy enty elly folla we gameela… thanks for being there my dearest friend!

  4. Rou... said,

    ya Ruby… Mayo Qant believe it fe3lan :P:P

    bossy… heya it’s not about caring for their opinion… I dont care actually if they think am an alien wala 7ata abnormal… i dont give a damn… bass I just noticed the fact that many cases happened when encountring such category of people… i know you perfectly understand which mmm “fe2a men elnass” am talking about… am not saying that they are bad ones… it’s just that I cannot cope with their lifestyle… not even for an hour…

    Anyways,…. walahy ya banat ento elly folla begad 😀 you made my life a better place 🙂

  5. Meto said,

    I perfectly understand and feel you ya Rou, the thing is I’m sociophobic by default, group gatherings panic me more than anything else and I always avoid them. When I can’t handle the consequences of not attending, i usually show up for a few minutes and then excuse my self and as oon as I leave the place I do exactly the same, driving aimlessly with both windows open..

    Enty mesh lewa7dek ya Rou, fee nass zayyena kteer wadeena 3aysheen 🙂

  6. Rou... said,

    ya Meto…….. I can’t start telling you how relieved your comment made me feel…. it’s always a bless knowing that you’re not alone in this…
    mesh adra a7keelak how awful that night was…. kaman what made it worse is the fact that I thought am over this…. bass apparenlty it keeps popping up every now and then…

    Yalla 7asal kher… 🙂

  7. Mermaid said,

    Rou and Ruby… HA3ODOKO 😛

  8. D said,

    🙂 me too ya Rou, although it’s very clear one me 😀
    watching minutes pass by so you could leave after spending the minimum required time.

    so 😀 i’ve created my own neglecting case, which led me to ME now.

    we enta 3arfa, akid mesh 3ayza teb2i zay 3amo el garson

    i wish i could have solution for you.

  9. Rou... said,

    lol @ 3amo el garcon! 😀

    Walahy ya Dodo kol wa7ed menena leeh 3amaloho elkhas… trust me on this!

    Thanks for passing by sweets 🙂


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: